Good Bye 2009!!!!!

I am feeling better today...slight headache from being at church until 11:30 @ night but Kirk Franklin was sooo worth it!!!!

It's truly amazing how music can take you to a place that heals your soul.

Yesterday, I had plans of running errands...however...my Jo got sick and upchucked her oatmeal. So errands planned were trashed!

Nana turned 90 yesterday...wow...what a blessing...considering I'm only 33 I can' imagine what 90 is gonna look like.

I do know that right here right now I have the opportunity to live my life! And enjoy it and have peace and just BE!

The 2000's were rough...I got married had 2 babies, started a very interesting career, lost a husband...found God and I feel good!

Last night at church...they said to list all of the things you are saying good bye to in 2009:

Hurt, pain, drama, anger, depression, bad financial decisions, jealousy, insecurity, unhappiness, feeling un-pretty, closed heart, poor eating, dehydration, high blood pressure, yelling,lack of exercise, CANCER...GOOD BYE!!!!


I am looking forward to a drama free 2010.

Cancer...this is a lot.

Well today was Chemo day #5. You know I really didn't realize how stressful it was until a nurse mentioned it to me. Today just seemed to really be stressful and long.

There was a baby there crying loudly...well screaming...while they tried to access her port...sad...because she just wanted them to stop poking at her.

As Jordan and I could hear the yells from he baby and from another room where a teenager was yelling at the nurse I realized: Today's visit was gonna be a little different.

And I always have to keep my gameface on because Jo is watching my every move and reaction...if she senses fear at all she will be scared.

Today, not only did Jordan have to get vincristine...she had to get part 2 of her H1N1 shot...I've know for a whole week but I kept it to myself.

Well the cat was out of the bag while waiting in the room and she was not happy AT All. I told her to calm down please and to not stress it...but of course it was all she could think about.

I was praying for a cup of starbucks to magically appear...man this was gonna be a rough visit.

I really tried to occupy myself...facebook, O mag, calendar for appts, and just sending texts to get my mind off of being there.

It is really hard being there...the other little boy accross from us..complained he could taste the medicine while it was being injected intravenously...Jordan agreed...wow! She never told me this before!

He also began to feel sick...he said he was about to barf...poor baby...this isn't easy on kids!

Jordan's other little friend was limping from her chemo...man I felt bad for her...they had their time together drawing...I left them alone so they could talk about the chemo and what it was doing to them...she needs that time...I understand.

But as I type right now I cry...this is a lot. A whole lot...it hurts my heart that my baby is going through this. But I can't cry in front of her...it will make her worry...so I cry alone here at my computer while she plays upstairs with her sister. This is a lot.

This is stressfull, This is exhausting and I want to lay down.

They want to play Wii resort...but I just need a minute to pray to God for more strength...because this is a lot.

A Nurse asked me how I was holding up...that this is stressful on the moms...and yes it is. Day in Day out...the meds, the appts, the nausea, the worrying that I'm making healthy balanced meals that she will eat. This is a lot...guess I never thought of it until today.

Maybe I need to go to one of the support groups for parents...


I don't want to write anymore...

Football

OK, I am an avid Football Fan...and my FOXHD isn't working...I'm being forced to watch this game on basic cable...OMG...I'm loosing my mind!!!

Last Monday I had the pleasure of going to the game...see one of the pics I had a complete blast with Ibti...OMG

Great Win...Go Giants!!!


OK now as for today's game...WTH it's 23- 0 Carolina is winning..somebody please help me!!!

Bout to have a heart attach!!

Fear of Flying

So Christmas has passed..I let it pass and I didn't post. Honestly I think I was scared to write anything. Because so much is in my head.


So this morning instead of rushing the kids up and out to church I opted stay in and relax in bed on my laptop.

I digress...Why in the world don't I have a man who can make me breakfast in bed so I can get the things I love done...with little to no interruption...LOL...cuz I'm getting a divorce.


SO back to why I'm writing...

Christmas morning ohhhh saayyyy 3:23am I'm wide awake laying in my bed...I thought about juicing up the laptop and writing...but I only wanted to go to sleep....after all I had taken a sleeping pill a little before 1am...why the hell wasn't it working.


Maybe it was that article I read in O Mag....it was in my head...the lady who is trying 60 Days of Hatha Yoga to get her life back on track...to include...drinking water, trying to find a new job, improving her eating (she gained 80lbs since a divorce and loosing her job) and her thoughts on paper about it all.


Then it hit me...I have gained 10 lbs...I know it cuz it's there...in my new DD Bra Size (yikes), my rising Blood Pressure (double yikes), my poor eating habits (triple yikes) and all and all dissatisfaction with my quality of life. (No Yikes needed)


All of this is a result of my Fear to Fly!!!!

There are several passions I lost in the fire (lol) Auntie Shell knows what I'm talking about....

*My desire to write
*My Hopes of one day getting published
*My Passion for Politics (as related to black folks)
*Teaching...which is something I learned about in 2003....I love to teach kids!!! Who Knew!!!
*Yoga...I'm just not doing it...and I can't even tell you why
*My participation in helping to save the world...I'm an Aquarius...it's what we do! :)
*I'm not reading...like I used to!


All of those things make me feel like I'm Flying!!!! All of them....but my fears as a result of other life events made me forget...made me not want to fly any more...made me just wanna sit at the gate and taxi in and out occasionally without ever taking off!!!

In my book...that's code for FAILURE!!!!!


I've been a perfectionist my entire life and as of right now...I've accomplished NOTHING....I know that's harsh...but it is the gut wrenching truth...NOTHING

I'm a mom...yup...love my babies..yup...but that's about it...

work...well no comment...no challenge...no desire...no passion...a check yes...but as far as really contributing NOPE!!!

I'm slowly killing myself...health wise...genetically I'm predisposed to hypertension...guess what...I take pills right now to con troll it...and because of my weight gain...my BP is up and if I don't do something it will not get better...


And with all of the above...I still must take care of my beautiful daughters everyday knowing that I am a failure at several things right now...

So in 2010...I guess I better get over all of this...and FLY!!!!!


Wow I said it...so maybe I will finally get to teaching SOMEWHERE!

Maybe I'll get to live in a very warm climate...uhhh Florida??? Maybe

Maybe I'll contribute something to the universe that helps to improve someones quality of life.

And most importantly my daughter will be healthy and done with this cancer thing.

What in the world is going on in my life

November 10, 2009

My first born Jordan is in the hospital and getting an ultra sound...docs say there's something on her kidney and it shouldn't be there...little did I know...it was Cancer...a tumor had attached itself to her kidney and was growing...it had to come out...OMG...what is happening...how did I not notice...is she going to live...am I gonna make it through this...how...why God...why now with everything else going on WHY????


That's what I asked over a month ago when this all began....and now we know...and now we are working through this amazing situation...God first...everything else is last...I just never in a million years would have thought I would be inthis place in this time...so confused and feelign very much alone...the fear the anguish the pain...all so present all so clear for me...daily I push through...smiling because she's watching and she will respond to me...no matter what she always vibes off of me and how I'm doing.

Her journey through Chemo is now...we are week 5 into and 18 week treatment schedule...she still has her hair...but we know the inevitable is coming...the moment when the hair starts to come out and all will be revealed to the public...we are a family dealing with cancer.

Right now on the surface...I guess you can say nobody knows...but once the hair comes out the stares will begin and I want to protect my baby...Pity isn't something we want...strength is what we thrive on...we're 3 ladies growing through an amazing event...God give me strength.

I'm sure our ancestors dealt with much worse but modern medicine makes me angry...why didn't we catch this sooner...why did she have to loose a Kidney...ANGER...but all things happen for a reason right...but man these last few years have been rough.

Divorce...a whole nother post...but yes I'm going through it...and man it sucks...nobody gets married thinking...I'm gonna get divorced...and now that it's happening man the self reflection is NO JOKE.

Failure...that comes to mind...wow...little Miss Perfect couldn't keep it together enough to make her marriage work...or is it that it wasn't working all along...hmmm note to self...when in doubt don't do it...or better yet investigate all of my feelings before going into a lifetime commitment because it is supposed to be a lifetime....Damn...so now what...2 kids...baggage...issues and an ex.

How in the world does one recover from all this...I'm 33~ dating seems traumatizing...how in the world does one do that...oh and let's not forget I can't have anymore children...wooow talk about limiting my possibilites!!!!

Life ain't no bowl of cherries...or is it Life is what you make it...Well it's Christmas Eve...guess I better make the best of it...we made Christmas cookies and I can't help but think...we used to have a family, we used to have a house, we used to be so secure with 'things' but honestly was it all that secure????

I'll be back later if I think about anything else.

First Blog...Thanks Nana

Soo I watched a movie...Julie & Julia and I realized that maybe blogging would be a good idea to help me deal with everything going on in my life right now....it would essentially help me "Find Me"....wow....I don't know me anymore...so here it goes.

Happy Christmas Eve ya'll