So Christmas has passed..I let it pass and I didn't post. Honestly I think I was scared to write anything. Because so much is in my head.
So this morning instead of rushing the kids up and out to church I opted stay in and relax in bed on my laptop.
I digress...Why in the world don't I have a man who can make me breakfast in bed so I can get the things I love done...with little to no interruption...LOL...cuz I'm getting a divorce.
SO back to why I'm writing...
Christmas morning ohhhh saayyyy 3:23am I'm wide awake laying in my bed...I thought about juicing up the laptop and writing...but I only wanted to go to sleep....after all I had taken a sleeping pill a little before 1am...why the hell wasn't it working.
Maybe it was that article I read in O Mag....it was in my head...the lady who is trying 60 Days of Hatha Yoga to get her life back on track...to include...drinking water, trying to find a new job, improving her eating (she gained 80lbs since a divorce and loosing her job) and her thoughts on paper about it all.
Then it hit me...I have gained 10 lbs...I know it cuz it's there...in my new DD Bra Size (yikes), my rising Blood Pressure (double yikes), my poor eating habits (triple yikes) and all and all dissatisfaction with my quality of life. (No Yikes needed)
All of this is a result of my Fear to Fly!!!!
There are several passions I lost in the fire (lol) Auntie Shell knows what I'm talking about....
*My desire to write
*My Hopes of one day getting published
*My Passion for Politics (as related to black folks)
*Teaching...which is something I learned about in 2003....I love to teach kids!!! Who Knew!!!
*Yoga...I'm just not doing it...and I can't even tell you why
*My participation in helping to save the world...I'm an Aquarius...it's what we do! :)
*I'm not reading...like I used to!
All of those things make me feel like I'm Flying!!!! All of them....but my fears as a result of other life events made me forget...made me not want to fly any more...made me just wanna sit at the gate and taxi in and out occasionally without ever taking off!!!
In my book...that's code for FAILURE!!!!!
I've been a perfectionist my entire life and as of right now...I've accomplished NOTHING....I know that's harsh...but it is the gut wrenching truth...NOTHING
I'm a mom...yup...love my babies..yup...but that's about it...
work...well no comment...no challenge...no desire...no passion...a check yes...but as far as really contributing NOPE!!!
I'm slowly killing myself...health wise...genetically I'm predisposed to hypertension...guess what...I take pills right now to con troll it...and because of my weight gain...my BP is up and if I don't do something it will not get better...
And with all of the above...I still must take care of my beautiful daughters everyday knowing that I am a failure at several things right now...
So in 2010...I guess I better get over all of this...and FLY!!!!!
Wow I said it...so maybe I will finally get to teaching SOMEWHERE!
Maybe I'll get to live in a very warm climate...uhhh Florida??? Maybe
Maybe I'll contribute something to the universe that helps to improve someones quality of life.
And most importantly my daughter will be healthy and done with this cancer thing.
I love this blog. Im sure ill be in a long ine of folks that will line up to say you have deifnitely accomplished a lot T-Apple. But I know atleast when you re-read over your blogs you will see one day that your measuring stick is skewed a bit. I DO undertand however letting fear keep you from things the "make you FLY". Its so crazy how it all goes down. So easily slipping into that place of cushion mattresses all around you thinking you are protecting yourself but you are really isolating yourself from stuff that makes you happy. But I KNWO ofr a fact we are cut from similar cloth and maybe fore moment in our life we deprive our selves but not for long. Ill be watching/reading you FLY chica. :) Love you
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