November 10, 2009
My first born Jordan is in the hospital and getting an ultra sound...docs say there's something on her kidney and it shouldn't be there...little did I know...it was Cancer...a tumor had attached itself to her kidney and was growing...it had to come out...OMG...what is happening...how did I not notice...is she going to live...am I gonna make it through this...how...why God...why now with everything else going on WHY????
That's what I asked over a month ago when this all began....and now we know...and now we are working through this amazing situation...God first...everything else is last...I just never in a million years would have thought I would be inthis place in this time...so confused and feelign very much alone...the fear the anguish the pain...all so present all so clear for me...daily I push through...smiling because she's watching and she will respond to me...no matter what she always vibes off of me and how I'm doing.
Her journey through Chemo is now...we are week 5 into and 18 week treatment schedule...she still has her hair...but we know the inevitable is coming...the moment when the hair starts to come out and all will be revealed to the public...we are a family dealing with cancer.
Right now on the surface...I guess you can say nobody knows...but once the hair comes out the stares will begin and I want to protect my baby...Pity isn't something we want...strength is what we thrive on...we're 3 ladies growing through an amazing event...God give me strength.
I'm sure our ancestors dealt with much worse but modern medicine makes me angry...why didn't we catch this sooner...why did she have to loose a Kidney...ANGER...but all things happen for a reason right...but man these last few years have been rough.
Divorce...a whole nother post...but yes I'm going through it...and man it sucks...nobody gets married thinking...I'm gonna get divorced...and now that it's happening man the self reflection is NO JOKE.
Failure...that comes to mind...wow...little Miss Perfect couldn't keep it together enough to make her marriage work...or is it that it wasn't working all along...hmmm note to self...when in doubt don't do it...or better yet investigate all of my feelings before going into a lifetime commitment because it is supposed to be a lifetime....Damn...so now what...2 kids...baggage...issues and an ex.
How in the world does one recover from all this...I'm 33~ dating seems traumatizing...how in the world does one do that...oh and let's not forget I can't have anymore children...wooow talk about limiting my possibilites!!!!
Life ain't no bowl of cherries...or is it Life is what you make it...Well it's Christmas Eve...guess I better make the best of it...we made Christmas cookies and I can't help but think...we used to have a family, we used to have a house, we used to be so secure with 'things' but honestly was it all that secure????
I'll be back later if I think about anything else.
Hey Lady,
ReplyDeleteIm so glad you are writing. I cant say I know your journey but I know as a child of an interesting serious of parental relatinships that family is still family no matter what. As I am praying I will always keep you three in my prayers. Im noticing myself the idea of security didnt exist for me either. Its hard getting dropped on your ass when you thought things were so stable. I too am learning the only thing constant is God. Its so hard to learn stuff the hard way.
And just so you know, hair or her head or not, Jordy and auntie Nana are gonna dance and have fun the next time I see her and Shug. We will all four put the meanest dance routine together ever. The title of the choreo will be "kicking cancers ass with one kidney"... BAM!
Keep writing.
Love you,
Anana