Haiti...

Haiti experienced the worst earthquake on record for any Caribbean country and it pains me to my core.

I've watched the media just post photo upon photo of the pain, hurt, anguish and despair of a people who have been suffering for decades.

I pray for my friends who are of Haitian descent...the Pascals, the Micheles, the Laurents, the Pauls, and a very very dear friend Sascha who taught me sooo much about the plight of a forgotten people in the Caribbean.

In 2007, I went to the Dominican Republic...the resort that I stayed in was filled with people from Haiti who were working to support their families.

I learned a lot in that visit...I mean after all DR is just as impoverished as Haiti however for some strange reasons the Dominicans frowned upon Haitians as a lesser people...it truly bugged me out.

I never understood it....I was even warned at work to be careful as to not get kidnapped and forced into a sex trade in Haiti...Go Figure!!!!

I love my Caribbean people...I truly love them...I read about the beauties of Haiti in my Caribbean literature class at Howard.

But always the stigma attached, the color divide, the poverty, the haves the have nots...all these things the same as the African American people...so sad our brown people suffer across the continent from being divided by all things related to color.

My heart bleeds and aches for Haiti...I pray this will finally "Wake-Up the World" to the poverty of Third World Countries of Brown People...because just like Jamaica, Guyana, Dominican Republic, Cuba....countries with brown people in poverty.

When will we figure it out that all people must be taken care of????

No matter the political climate or US Sanction...when will we all wake-up and realize...children are dieing everyday...for what????

We have all been brainwashed to hate each other and it must stop...we must learn to love...I'm sure every one's God preaches this...


I pray for Haiti....I pray for Haiti....

Transforming

I think I've been stripped of everything...there is nothing left...and I believe the only one left for me to lean on is God.

It's not a bad thing it is what it is...I believe that all these things have happened for a reason.

The Past....

I'm still working on letting a lot of stuff go...relationships, things from my childhood...old ways of thinking...old habits...bad things.


The Present...
Being present is a MUG!!!!!!!!! I have to be very present and living in this moment that I have right now...I feel things, I see things, I am gaining back control of my life.

My children...the most important thing to me. I have to remain present and not stressed in order to keep them happy considering how things are right now.

I want to get through all this divorce, and chemo confusion I'm sure they feel right now and allow them to just be themselves and be happy and have fun.

I"m eating better ya'll!!! Whew whooo....if there is a ya'll out there :)

I'm talking WATER...wow...lots and lots of water....my word...I've even upped my fresh fruits and veggies...my body is so confused right now! lol

It's probably thinking WTH!!! lol

But it's beyond time for a change...now I just have to find running time.

Yes...I want to truly loose some weight and really have a healthier body...all the stress of the past few years and poor eating has taken it's toll on my body.


Break Away...Get Away...

I'm feeling this amazing urge to pack up and LEAVE!!!

Like I just don't want to be here anymore!!!! I want to find a nice affordable place to live...a great career and watch my girls grow up into the magnificent women they are destined to be!!!!!

Party Time...

I went to a "Day Party" last Saturday. Wow...talk about FUN!!!!

However, the party scene, dating, meeting thing is VERY NEW to me! LOL

So I will have to post about my views on this whole dating thing later.

The Future....

A beautiful man said to me "Why don't you just find a position teaching these little knuckled heads or something that preps you to become a professor...you know that's where your heart is"

Volumes...I'm gonna stop right there!!!!!!

Blogging Takes Discipline

I kid you not I have thought about writing on several occasions and even wrote a post last week and it didn't upload go figure!!!!

Today was chemo day...it was light and easy...Jo didn't need a blood transfusion, whew!

Writing:

I'm seriously wondering if it is even possible to be religious about this writing thing. It's intimidating it's scary it's your inner most thoughts (most of them) for the world to read.

Death and Life are in the power of the tongue...
Which is why I haven't made an announcement "JORDAN HAS CANCER"
I've never wanted to accept it as that or put it out in the universe like that.

I believe the Cancer is out of her and she is 'healing now'. She doesn't have Cancer.

Folks don't get it...it's all about your mind and how you handle it...and that will affect your healing and recovery.

We don't have time for sadness, because we are healing in my house.

She smiles, I smile, we laugh...we are continuing to embrace life.

Good Bye 2009!!!!!

I am feeling better today...slight headache from being at church until 11:30 @ night but Kirk Franklin was sooo worth it!!!!

It's truly amazing how music can take you to a place that heals your soul.

Yesterday, I had plans of running errands...however...my Jo got sick and upchucked her oatmeal. So errands planned were trashed!

Nana turned 90 yesterday...wow...what a blessing...considering I'm only 33 I can' imagine what 90 is gonna look like.

I do know that right here right now I have the opportunity to live my life! And enjoy it and have peace and just BE!

The 2000's were rough...I got married had 2 babies, started a very interesting career, lost a husband...found God and I feel good!

Last night at church...they said to list all of the things you are saying good bye to in 2009:

Hurt, pain, drama, anger, depression, bad financial decisions, jealousy, insecurity, unhappiness, feeling un-pretty, closed heart, poor eating, dehydration, high blood pressure, yelling,lack of exercise, CANCER...GOOD BYE!!!!


I am looking forward to a drama free 2010.

Cancer...this is a lot.

Well today was Chemo day #5. You know I really didn't realize how stressful it was until a nurse mentioned it to me. Today just seemed to really be stressful and long.

There was a baby there crying loudly...well screaming...while they tried to access her port...sad...because she just wanted them to stop poking at her.

As Jordan and I could hear the yells from he baby and from another room where a teenager was yelling at the nurse I realized: Today's visit was gonna be a little different.

And I always have to keep my gameface on because Jo is watching my every move and reaction...if she senses fear at all she will be scared.

Today, not only did Jordan have to get vincristine...she had to get part 2 of her H1N1 shot...I've know for a whole week but I kept it to myself.

Well the cat was out of the bag while waiting in the room and she was not happy AT All. I told her to calm down please and to not stress it...but of course it was all she could think about.

I was praying for a cup of starbucks to magically appear...man this was gonna be a rough visit.

I really tried to occupy myself...facebook, O mag, calendar for appts, and just sending texts to get my mind off of being there.

It is really hard being there...the other little boy accross from us..complained he could taste the medicine while it was being injected intravenously...Jordan agreed...wow! She never told me this before!

He also began to feel sick...he said he was about to barf...poor baby...this isn't easy on kids!

Jordan's other little friend was limping from her chemo...man I felt bad for her...they had their time together drawing...I left them alone so they could talk about the chemo and what it was doing to them...she needs that time...I understand.

But as I type right now I cry...this is a lot. A whole lot...it hurts my heart that my baby is going through this. But I can't cry in front of her...it will make her worry...so I cry alone here at my computer while she plays upstairs with her sister. This is a lot.

This is stressfull, This is exhausting and I want to lay down.

They want to play Wii resort...but I just need a minute to pray to God for more strength...because this is a lot.

A Nurse asked me how I was holding up...that this is stressful on the moms...and yes it is. Day in Day out...the meds, the appts, the nausea, the worrying that I'm making healthy balanced meals that she will eat. This is a lot...guess I never thought of it until today.

Maybe I need to go to one of the support groups for parents...


I don't want to write anymore...

Football

OK, I am an avid Football Fan...and my FOXHD isn't working...I'm being forced to watch this game on basic cable...OMG...I'm loosing my mind!!!

Last Monday I had the pleasure of going to the game...see one of the pics I had a complete blast with Ibti...OMG

Great Win...Go Giants!!!


OK now as for today's game...WTH it's 23- 0 Carolina is winning..somebody please help me!!!

Bout to have a heart attach!!

Fear of Flying

So Christmas has passed..I let it pass and I didn't post. Honestly I think I was scared to write anything. Because so much is in my head.


So this morning instead of rushing the kids up and out to church I opted stay in and relax in bed on my laptop.

I digress...Why in the world don't I have a man who can make me breakfast in bed so I can get the things I love done...with little to no interruption...LOL...cuz I'm getting a divorce.


SO back to why I'm writing...

Christmas morning ohhhh saayyyy 3:23am I'm wide awake laying in my bed...I thought about juicing up the laptop and writing...but I only wanted to go to sleep....after all I had taken a sleeping pill a little before 1am...why the hell wasn't it working.


Maybe it was that article I read in O Mag....it was in my head...the lady who is trying 60 Days of Hatha Yoga to get her life back on track...to include...drinking water, trying to find a new job, improving her eating (she gained 80lbs since a divorce and loosing her job) and her thoughts on paper about it all.


Then it hit me...I have gained 10 lbs...I know it cuz it's there...in my new DD Bra Size (yikes), my rising Blood Pressure (double yikes), my poor eating habits (triple yikes) and all and all dissatisfaction with my quality of life. (No Yikes needed)


All of this is a result of my Fear to Fly!!!!

There are several passions I lost in the fire (lol) Auntie Shell knows what I'm talking about....

*My desire to write
*My Hopes of one day getting published
*My Passion for Politics (as related to black folks)
*Teaching...which is something I learned about in 2003....I love to teach kids!!! Who Knew!!!
*Yoga...I'm just not doing it...and I can't even tell you why
*My participation in helping to save the world...I'm an Aquarius...it's what we do! :)
*I'm not reading...like I used to!


All of those things make me feel like I'm Flying!!!! All of them....but my fears as a result of other life events made me forget...made me not want to fly any more...made me just wanna sit at the gate and taxi in and out occasionally without ever taking off!!!

In my book...that's code for FAILURE!!!!!


I've been a perfectionist my entire life and as of right now...I've accomplished NOTHING....I know that's harsh...but it is the gut wrenching truth...NOTHING

I'm a mom...yup...love my babies..yup...but that's about it...

work...well no comment...no challenge...no desire...no passion...a check yes...but as far as really contributing NOPE!!!

I'm slowly killing myself...health wise...genetically I'm predisposed to hypertension...guess what...I take pills right now to con troll it...and because of my weight gain...my BP is up and if I don't do something it will not get better...


And with all of the above...I still must take care of my beautiful daughters everyday knowing that I am a failure at several things right now...

So in 2010...I guess I better get over all of this...and FLY!!!!!


Wow I said it...so maybe I will finally get to teaching SOMEWHERE!

Maybe I'll get to live in a very warm climate...uhhh Florida??? Maybe

Maybe I'll contribute something to the universe that helps to improve someones quality of life.

And most importantly my daughter will be healthy and done with this cancer thing.